Time Out: How to Do It Properly and Lovingly

In Child and Adolescent Development: A Behavioural Systems Approach by Gary Novak and Martha Pelaez (or the yellow bible to behaviourists) they describe that;

Most undesired behaviours are negatively dealt with by adults, using aversive stimuli such as

• shouting
• disapproval
• guilt
• anxiety and sometimes
• physical punishment such as hitting/spanking

​​These lead to increases in undesired behaviours and the child will often act out in response to their parents’ harsh attempts to punish them. 

Dealing with undesired behaviours using the above-mentioned coercive techniques will produce the undesired side effects of anger and fear in the child.

But there is a better way!

This strategy will only be effective if you also practice quality "time-in" with your child. Time in which you are connected, sharing conversations, listening and doing enjoyable activities together. Affection, smiling, praise for good behaviours. These all help to build a loving, connected, respectful relationship between you which will also motivate them to behave appropriately more often. 

When executed correctly and consistently this strategy changes children’s behaviour not only quite quickly, but also over time for the better. 

Here I will explain giving the consequence of Time Out for undesired behaviours. This is considered a negative (removal) punishment. This is explained as missing out, termination or the loss of something

Unfortunately this is still considered by many, who have not read the research and observed the positive changes, as a “mean” or “unnecessarily excluding” punishment. 

​Time out is an exclusion from positive attention in which the child calms themselves and understands the consequence of their behaviour. It is not a place, a chair, a spot or meant to drag on.

It breaks up the moment in which a child has become overwhelmed and has acted inappropriately. 

It gives the child realisation of the consequence of continuing that behaviour, afterwards it allows them to make another choice and start over.

Before you decide to implement Time Out for inappropriate behaviours. I recommend trying these easy to implement, corrective strategies. Time Out should be part of a toolkit for behaviour modification and management not the only strategy used. It must be used with positive time in and loving connection in other moments to be effective.

When done incorrectly, inconsistently or for an inadequate period of time (in which the child has not calmed themselves) time-out does not work.

As always in our interactions with and teaching children, clear boundaries, positivity and consistency are the way forward.

​Even as we are encouraging and positively reinforcing positive, “prosocial” behaviours, antisocial behaviours will still occur.

In my and many, many professionals and families experiences these decrease over time using these principles.

How to do Time Out properly:

• First of all, a chart or list of family/classroom/daycare (wherever) rules should be clearly displayed, this can be in pictures and words, and are to be regularly discussed with the child. This allows for the consistency part of the behaviour management plan to be supported. For tips on how to write these see How to Teach Your Child Appropriate Behaviours

1.  If you catch the child prior to the undesirable behaviour occurring you can remind/warn them that if they do it, they will go on Time Out. “B if you __, you will go on Time Out, you are not allowed to do __.” "You know hitting is against our rules, if you do it you will go for Time Out"

2.  If they do it tell the child that they have broken one of the rules. “No J  you are not allowed to hit/spit/bite/kick (whatever the undesired behaviour that the child did)” Now you need to go for Time Out”

3.  If the child is willing tell them to go to the Time Out area.
This can be a chair away from distractions, a step, a corner, or another chosen spot, edge of the playground if out, or their bedroom (ideally not filled with awesome toys, electronics and games that make it a reward, not an exclusion from positive reinforcement and attention).

If they are not willing to go to the Time Out location, take their hand or carry them to the location. (They won’t like this but each time you do this they understand that you are following through on the rules and are over time less likely to do the things that lead to this occurring). They will also respect you and what you say as you have showed you are consistent. This must be done in a calm, matter-of -fact way. If you react with anger your child will react emotionally too. 

4.  Upon arrival at the Time Out spot, get down to their eye level and tell them why they are going for Time Out. Connect with them and explain.  It can be useful to gently hold their shoulders too, to ensure you have their attention. “X you are going for Time Out because you hit/bit/kicked, you are not allowed to hit/bite/kick. You need to stay on Time Out until I come to get you”

5.  The maximum length of time recommended in Punishment on Trial by Ennio Cipani (link below) is 1 minute for each year of age, 3 mins for 3 year olds, 5 for 5 yr olds, etc. But this should be judged by the parent as to it's appropriateness. If the child is calm after 45 seconds that is sufficient. Look and listen for when the child is calm. 
As this is time for them to calm themselves and have a break from the situation in which they acted inappropriately, it makes sense to give them the time to calm down and not retrieve them if they are not yet calm.

Set a timer so that you know when their Time Out is up and do not leave them longer than the maximum time recommended. If the child is screaming the house down in protest you wait until they have quietened before you take them off Time Out.

6.  Go to the child and tell them again why they are on Time Out. “Y you are on Time Out because you did _, you are not allowed to do that. It is time to say sorry”, at this point if/when the child apologises give them a hug and say thank you for your apology/I forgive you (and have them apologise to the other child/adult also), and go back to whatever activity/game etc. you were in prior to Time Out. Do not continue to punish the child one they have done their Time Out, it is now over.

If the child is old enough to understand, it is also useful to talk to them about their choice and ask them what they think they could do differently next time so they don’t need to go on Time Out.

If they are unsure, tell them what they can do next time. “T if your brother takes your toy/hurts you etc. again come and tell me (or tell the adult in charge) that you need help, do not hit/bite/kick etc. otherwise you will go (back) for more Time Out”.

Make sure you give specific examples of desired behaviours and undesired behaviours so that the child understands what is expected of them and knows which desired behaviours to engage in. 

• Each time a child is put on Time Out be sure to tell them why they are on Time Out and what you would like them to do instead. 
• If the child will not say sorry, tell them that they need to stay on Time Out until they are ready to say sorry.
• If the child leaves Time Out/runs away from the location do the “no-attention-rapid-return”. This involves collecting the child from where they are, not giving any eye-contact, not talking to the child and placing them back in the area. 

When consistently followed this Time Out routine delivers excellent results in decreasing the occurrence of undesired, antisocial behaviours. 

If you would like to see Time Out in action, watch an episode of The Supernanny, Jo Frost, she consistently follows this routine, to excellent result. Then videos and analyses common mistakes that parents make in delivering Time Out as punishment. 


Do this if for no other reason than wanting to be able to enjoy time spent with your children and all the great, fun things you can do together(when you're not required to constantly be telling them off for undesired behaviours).

​Want help getting your kids to listen and be helpful? I'd love to help you and your family. Let's work together!
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To you and your family, and the joy and happiness that come from consistency, positivity and using contingencies.

Need some more ideas for managing challenging behaviours lovingly? Just enter your email in the box below and I'll send my tip sheet straight to you.
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Here's to you being Happy, Well and Fed (delicious, healthy, inspiring, whole foods)

To learn more about this check out:
How to have happy, healthy kids
How to teach appropriate behaviours
How to give consequences lovingly
Understanding and changing challenging behaviours
Choose Your Own Adventure- Tracking Behaviour

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Books referred to:
Punishment on Trial by Ennio Cipani available as a free pdf 

Child and Adolescent Development: A Behavioural Sytems Approach by Gary Novak and Martha Pelaez can be found here

Watch the SuperNanny Jo Frost